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failure me

I have an uncle who is getting a brain tumor removed today. Remember him. He is in his mid-50's and has an eighteen year old son. My parents went down to Gainsville, Florida to be present for the surgery.

It is frustrating for me at this time to be back home. I feel like a grown up child. It is frustrating to know that I work hard and have a good job, but when I am in the U.S. I seem no better off than my friends who dropped out of college and work at Outback Steakhouse.

I always do this to myself. I go through periods when I am so down and feel like a failure, like I will never amount to anything, and am wasting my life. You know what they used to say in the 1980's on those anti-drug commercials: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." That was right up there with the commercial that showed an egg frying in a pan and the statement, "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?"

I never did drugs, but I can't really say it was thanks to those commercials produced by the government. I think it all circles back to the whole "not wanting to waste my life and be a failure" complex. That and a healthy sense of moral correctness and shame.

I don't even know what it is that I think I need to DO in order to magically be 'successfull.' It's not really a matter of me wanting material wealth, and what do I care if people pat me on the back and say, "You done good. You done real good." (which is what they would say, because I am from Alabama.)

I don't know what I want.


Thursday, Jul. 17, 2003 at 10:45 AM

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