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phases of the female life

The phases in a woman's life and her progress in said phase can be measured and assessed by looking at the magazines that she reads.

I. Highlights magazine. This phase is a time of innocence and exploration. The young girl in this stage is forming her perceptions of the world around her and determining her place in that world. Goofus and Gallant teach right and wrong, and she learns to look below the surface of things in order to find those illusive ‘hidden pictures.’ The way to the Highlights girl’s heart: “Knock Knock! Who’s there?...”

II. Seventeen magazine. Though not yet seventeen, more likely the 14-16 age range, the girl is confronted with issues of physical beauty, social status, and is experiencing the beginning pains of the pursuit of love, freedom, and a prom date. The way to the Seventeen girl’s heart: “Want to go for a ride in my car?”

III. Rolling Stone magazine. The girl realizes that the Seventeen magazine stuff is a bunch of mindless crap for stupid girls who are *like, SO immature*, and decides that she is not going to follow the crowd anymore. She will be an individual. So of course, as an individual, one has to keep up with popular bands. The way to the Rolling Stone girl’s heart: “Whoa, you listen to ______? I thought I was the only one who knew who they were!”

IV. Modern Bride magazine. Life in the college world heightens awareness of immortality. And perhaps even immorality. At any rate, woman is faced with early-life crisis, and begins to spend time pouring over the pages of wedding magazines and planning every last detail of the blessed day. The only thing lacking is a fiancé… The way to the Modern Bride’s heart: “Will you marry me?” (What else?)

V. Martha Stewart Living magazine. Whether the need for companionship was met or not, at some point the woman stops waiting on the phantom fiancé or settles into the wife role and begins to conquer her living space. She wants to be master of her domain through ingenious decorating, cooking, and party hosting, complete with really cutesy place cards and a basket carved out of a watermelon. She wants to be recognized for her domestic prowess, among other things. The way to the Martha Stewart Living’s heart: “You make a mean flambé! Did you make those votive holders yourself?!”

I have to say that I don’t know what the next phase is. I’m in phase 5 at this time. I find myself day dreaming about owning a house, but I also know that if I did own a house it would probably put an end to my travel adventures, which I enjoy so much and feel very blessed to have. *sigh* But that doesn’t stop me from cutting out pictures in magazines of interesting decorating ideas, or trying to plan the in-law apartment that will be in the ‘basement’. I’m sick, I know.

What phase are you in?

ckb



Monday, May. 19, 2003 at 9:18 PM



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